(Jessica at 6 years old)
So Jessica left. I’ve kinda been trying not to be too sad about it as the weeks, days and hours approached. I mean, imagine how much harder it would have been for her if I was making her feel sad and going on and on about how close we use to be, how I watched her grow and how I wish she wasn’t leaving. I didn’t put my feelings out there for her in order for her to just make her decision and stick to it. As she’s known to ‘flake’ and choose the best opportunity presented to her at a drop of a hat, now she’s stuck. She has to go. It’s too late. And she told her mom yesterday that she wanted to stay.
Yes, she left for Dallas to stay with her dad today.
Kinda sucks.
When I think about her not being around I really get sad. I tear up. My heart hurts. I cry.
(Jessica – as our flower girl - and Ethan at our wedding 1998)
It was hard last night seeing Jacob crying in the car after dropping Jessica off. I think that gets me more than anything. I can’t stand the fact that Jacob isn’t going to see his big sister. Jacob LOVES basketball because of Jessica. Jacob wanted to learn how to swim because of Jessica. Jacob has learned so much, good and bad, from Jessica. Jessica is exactly what a big sister should be. Easily irritated by her little brother yet absolutely in love with him.
I can’t stand that Bella has no clue her big sister isn’t going to be ‘around’. I can't stand the fact that Bella can walk into Jessica's room without Jessica getting on her case or sitting her on the bed to play with things.
I can’t stand the fact that I won’t have someone to pester or share a corny joke with or help with Algebra. I can’t stand the fact that my ‘first daughter’ is far away.
I can’t stand when Donna is sad. I hate it seeing her cry. But she feels the same way as I do. Jessica made a choice. Unlike a lot of other parents, we didn’t get in her way and made her choice ‘stick’.
Its time for her to spend time with her dad and it was her choice. We didn’t stand in her way. And I know if we did and pressured her and gave her sob stories about how it would be better if she’d stayed on how much we wish she stayed, she would have. I couldn’t do that. She’s old enough now to make her own decision.
It sucks. Because I would have done otherwise but knew it wasn’t best.
I cried on the way home a month ago just thinking about it. I cried on the way to work today as well. I’m crying now.
Anyway, I hope to see her soon. I hope she says she wants to come back. I gave her a few pointers on how to avoid too many problems from people if she wants to move back. Hope she takes it to heart and remembers what I said as I hugged her good bye.
(Jake, Jess, Bella and Donna last night before we dropped Jessica off)
Reflecting back…
I miss the days of playing Pokemon till way past her bedtime. I miss taking her to swim practice and yelling at the top of my lungs as she made her last turn for home during a swim meet. I miss those nights when she worked out at the karate dojo with me or taking her to watch me play hockey or watch me crash on my BMX bike. I’ll miss having to be on my toes with Algebra in order to help her with her homework. I’ll miss watching her play basketball and having her around to eat 31 flavors ice cream while the kids are asleep or to decide to eat Tommy Burgers with me late at night. I’ll miss watching her laugh with her brother and sister and I’ll miss those rare days when she comes out of her room and hangs out with me to watch TV, pick our American Idol, or laugh at Kathy Griffen’s stand up routine.
Yo, Jess… if you’re reading this… I miss you already. And I love you so much. I can’t wait for you to visit.
You’re papa…
Glenn
(The five of us last night - our potential Christmas picture)
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